Let's just jump right in.
I'm very open about mental health and mental illness, as you might have seen in previous posts and throughout my other social media accounts. It's no secret that mental illness hits very close to home; my mother is schizophrenic (primarily), bipolar, and has turrets. Her diagnosis has shifted over the years as her team of doctors works with her to find the proper balance of medication and treatment.
Similarly, my diagnosis shifted as I entered my early 20's. In high school I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I went through therapy for a bit, mainly during a very dark time where I was physically hurting myself and experiencing suicidal tendencies.
After graduation I ended up dropping out of Kent State University due to financial struggles. Eventually I got an apartment with my best friend, threw myself into my jobs, and saved up money to go back to school. Everything around me was going well and things were looking up. But inside, something was not right.
I was aware of my depression and falling into dark corners of my mind that left me in states of hopelessness. But there was another problem, seemingly always there, but becoming more and more apparent.
There were long periods of time where I would feel an emotion so strongly that it completely enveloped me, physically and mentally. If I was having a fit of anxiety, I was so hyper and restless that my thoughts would race until I felt dizzy; I would pace or obsessively clean or dive into an all-consuming panic attack. If I was happy, I was overwhelmed with excitement; I would babble on and on; I had so much energy that I wouldn't fall asleep at night. When I was angry, I saw red; it felt like I could spit blood; I stormed out of the room at a party once and locked myself in my room and threw things; a few times I banged my head against surfaces to escape the rage. It seemed that these fits of intense emotion would last for days, sometimes a week. In a twisted way I liked when I was overly hyper because I was able to get so much accomplished. The downside was the racing thoughts that I could not make sense of. When the feelings finally settled down, I wouldn't go back to "business as usual." I would crash, exhausted from the inside-out, and I would suffer from a feeling of sickening emptiness; the depression wove through every corner of my body and mind. I could never explain what was specifically making me feel hopeless, I just wanted to hide from the world and give up. I would entertain the idea of relapsing into self harm, so I would wrap my arms around myself and stay in bed until the thoughts passed.
I contacted a new psychiatrist in the area to be evaluated again. I figured that my depression and anxiety were playing a dangerous game with each other, and I wasn't sure how to handle it.
As you can probably guess, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I. I was put on medication, which did help for a bit of time. Eventually I was weened off this medication due to prolonged feelings of "numbness" (this is the best way I could describe it).
Since then I've worked with various therapists in an attempt to manage the ebb and flow of my illness. The specific diagnosis between Type I and Type II have changed a few times, but as of now I am technically classified as Type I.
So what's the difference?
According to the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), Bipolar Disorder (formerly called Manic Depression) is "a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks."
Bipolar I Disorder is characterized by "manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible."
Bipolar II Disorder is characterized by "a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes that are typical of Bipolar I Disorder."
There is also a third type, called Cyclothymic Disorder, which includes symptoms that last at least 2 years.
Some people experience mixes of various types, and the diagnosis is referred as "other specified and unspecified bipolar and related disorders."
So now that I've broken down some definitions, I want to talk about my personal experience more because everyone is different; other people that have a type of Bipolar Disorder will still have a different day-to-day life than me.
I mentioned that I have the tentative diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder now, and this is your reminder that as we develop, our specific diagnosis may change. And this isn't a bad thing! As the years have passed I've cycled through new psychiatrists, therapists, medical insurances, and medications. I used to fixate on the fact that I didn't have anxiety and depression as I originally thought, and panicked again when my the specifications of my patterns were not easy to track. But now I'm grateful. Now I understand that it's a blessing to unravel the inner-workings of my mind and develop a deeper understanding of the reasoning behind my thought patterns. Mental health and mind management is a continuing journey and through the journey we can focus in and experiment with what works and what doesn't. In my teens, my symptoms ticked all the boxes of anxiety and depression...on the surface. But years of therapy helped me to open up and be honest with myself about the scary, uncontrollable mood cycles I was experiencing. Not only that, but it is common for symptoms of Bipolar Disorder to become prevalent in your early 20's.
Obviously 2020 presented a lot of struggles, globally and personally. You may know that earlier last year, my mother relapsed with drugs and her schizophrenia was triggered in a very dangerous way. There was a period of two months where she was not safe; my fiancé and I were also put at a physical risk. Anthony unfortunately worked the night shift during that time (it was fortunate for Covid-19 purposes though, since he was able to avoid working directly with large crowds). And I did not sleep. I paced the house, sat staring out the window, or simply fidgeted and let my rapid cycling thoughts carry me away for hours. I would doze off into a nap around 3am and wake up again at 5am. My appetite was nonexistent. My body was exhausted and tried to show me the signs through soreness, shakiness, blurry vision, chilled fingers, and irregular menstrual cycles. Eventually there was a brief break with my mom; I had done everything I could and could not think of another solution. But she was finally admitted into intensive care and I was relived that professionals were finally handling the situation (and as of now, in the early summer of 2021, she is happy and on the right track).
But I crashed.
No matter how much I slept, it wasn't enough. The thought of talking to anybody made my stomach turn. I couldn't even explain to my friends and family why I wasn't communicating with anyone. I was trying to vanish, to hide from the world in my home and let the bottomless despair run its course. But the despair was just as exhausting as the mania from the months before. It pinned me down and I was content to not push back for awhile. And for a moment of complete transparency, I will admit that I relapsed once with my self-harm.
By referencing those issues from 2020, I want to be clear that I am not blaming my spiral on Covid or my mom or anything of that sort. I'm just using an example of how unprecedented circumstances can trigger people with mental illness. And if we don't try to attempt to manage it...disaster is inevitable.
But that is a solid indication of how a lot of my episodes play out, whether there is an obvious trigger or not.
I have memories of staying up all night to write and write and write. Having panic attacks at work without a particular "reason." Fits of anger that resulted in destruction. Being eaten by depression for days until I turned to harmful distractions. Seeking adrenaline-inducing adventures to "feel alive" even with dangerous activities. Adding "fuel to the fire" during mania by drinking alcohol because I wanted to push boundaries. Shutting out the world for weeks while running from my racing thoughts because they were too intense and I didn't want to face them.
A common occurrence is "overstimulation" for me. I typically love interacting with people, being in crowds, and going on adventures. But sometimes unexpected loud noises/busy settings will send me on a downfall; everything around me seems to get louder and louder while the space feels smaller and more cramped. The lights get bright while my thoughts start to match the sounds, increasing in speed and volume until I can't quite make out the thoughts. It becomes a babble. Sometimes I can get out of the situation before a panic attack develops. Regardless if I do have a panic attack or not, the "after" effect of my mania or hypomania can be intense. That's when the exhaustion and brain fog settle in. The best way I can describe this is the feeling of being underwater but slowly floating to the surface: sounds are muffled but coming back. Vision is slow to focus. Weakness in the limbs but starting to feel my fingers again. Still quite dizzy but equilibrium is trying to balance. Just an overall fuzzy feeling. Dazed, confused, disoriented.
I've seen the common misconception that being in a "high" or manic episode is not as bad as the "low" periods. Everyone that has bipolar disorder will have a slightly different experience, but for me personally, the mania can be hell. It can be life-threatening.
So where am I now? In a weird place, but moving up.
In the beginning of May this year, I had a week where I recall saying that I felt "out of it" and incredibly fidgety and distracted. I was anxious and hyper but could not focus on any task; I walked a lot to alleviate the energy. I was dealing with extreme brain fog; it felt like I wasn't present in the moment. It felt like I was not on Earth and I couldn't shake it. Everything internal was in slow motion and the world around me was flying by.
I did my best to ignore it all, which of course led to an explosion. Looking back, I can roughly map out when I transitioned into a full-blown mania. And I chose chaos that day: I drank alcohol, which sent the internal flames skyrocketing. I experienced psychosis.
What is psychosis?
The NIMH definition for psychosis: "The word psychosis is used to describe conditions that affect the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. When someone becomes ill in this way it is called a psychotic episode. During a period of psychosis, a person's thoughts and perceptions are disturbed and the individual may have difficulty understanding what is real and what is not. Symptoms of psychosis include delusions and hallucinations. Other symptoms include incoherent or nonsense speech, and behavior that is inappropriate for the situation."
From my workbook (which I'll talk about in a later post): "The term psychosis basically refers to a loss of touch with reality. Common psychotic symptoms include hallucinations, when people hear, see, or otherwise sense things that aren't actually there. ... A second common symptom of psychosis is the presence of delusions... When a person is in a delusional state, he is unable to recognize that his beliefs are false." (pg. 11)
I'll keep details of the psychosis to myself, but you can probably guess that it was scary. In some ways I'm grateful that it happened because I needed a bit of a "wake up call." It's a good example of how mental illness works: now lockdown is over in the U.S., my mom is safe, my career is taking off, and I'm engaged. Everything around me has been falling into place...but mental illness doesn't give a shit.
This leads into the main point I'm trying to make.
You might have seen this amazing quote floating around on social media, which was said by Jim Carrey, referring to his battle with mental illness: "I believe depression is legitimate. But I also believe that if you don't exercise, eat nutritious food, get sunlight, get enough sleep, consume positive material, surround yourself with support, then you aren't giving yourself a fighting chance."
This encompasses everything I'm focusing on now. Mental illness is real, and it can be debilitating. But when I give up and stop trying, my bipolar disorder has an easy path to take me down. There are tools that I need to keep in my routine for mind management...and I stopped for too long.
We need to remember, though, that we can do all of the right things and sometimes there are medical or medicinal interventions that need to happen. But we need to TRY. I think this is why I get annoyed with the "self care" movement; self care will not cure us, as we've been lead to believe, but it HELPS. And at the end of the day, we might just need to focus on our medication or talk to our therapist or seek emergency care.
I like comparing it to boxing or fighting; it's dangerous and you could get hurt, but why wouldn't you prepare? You would train, wear gloves, bring water, and have first-aid supplies nearby. So do this for your mind too.
And while I know I need to take care of myself for me, I also need to do it for my loved ones. My fiancé has been through hell with me and has seen my ugliest, most vulnerable moments. He is so patient and loving and strong, but I need to constantly fight my demons for the both of us. Mental illness hurts the victim, and it hurts the people that care about us.
This is me being honest with myself and the people around me. I try to hide my bipolar disorder in the hopes that if I ignore it, it will simply go away. But that only results in allowing it to have more power. The reality is that my mental illness is an element of my day-to-day life. I have to make a conscious daily effort to manage my mind through various physical, psychological, and emotional methods.
I have to fight back as if my life depends on it, because it does.
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Next week I will post the Part Two to this article. Part Two will be a deep-dive into all of my daily tools and habits that I must commit to in order to help my brain function properly. I figured we'd start with the chat about everything, and then break down what I personally do for myself.
Thank you so much for reading and having an open heart to hear my thoughts. It means the world to me, and I love the supportive community we have here.
Links:
Difference between bipolar and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) https://www.skylandtrail.org/comparing-bipolar-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorder/?gclid=CjwKCAjwhMmEBhBwEiwAXwFoEUcgIPcQK7zJwbzdDRpUBUKbhrFoKELzb2JNpk7eUbS2jBM8_UhUjRoCQNMQAvD_BwE
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