I've talked about my journey with Bipolar Disorder in a previous post because I wanted to stop living in fear of my illness controlling me. Statistics show that symptoms of Bipolar Disorder will often become more prevalent in an individual's early to mid-twenties. While I've had this diagnosis for over five years, the consequences of my mood disorder have shown up more frequently. There have been "good" streaks of time, due to therapy and medication, when my symptoms were relatively managed. But as time passed the warning signs were coming back stronger, and my life was being controlled by it. But I tend to be a stubborn person; I didn't want to admit how much I was affected. I didn't want to appear so "out of control" of myself. I didn't want to change anything because to me, that felt like accepting defeat and admitting that I'm not "normal." I wanted to live like people around me and not have to think twice about my condition.
But now, since I've opened up and talked about what is constantly going on under the surface, my approach is completely different. Over the last two years I've talked with my loved ones about the boundaries I need to set with myself and others. I've talked about the ways I need to plan my days differently in order to manage my symptoms as much as I can. More recently, I've made some additional life shifts that I was incredibly nervous to tell my loved ones about. But now that I've aired it out, it has allowed me to start working through all of the shame and embarrassment that I've been harboring. There have been many instances where my actions and lack of control have hurt me and the people that I care about. But with the new freedom to share the silent pain, I've gained a new freedom to work towards living as my most authentic self. I have been giving myself permission to lean into my discomfort. I have freedom to learn that my mood disorder doesn't define me, but it IS a part of me and it can not be ignored. I have freedom to take back control. Or, as a friend said to me: "you were never NOT in control. But now you've given yourself permission to act."
With that brief summary out of the way, I wanted to follow up from my original post and talk about what I actually do to manage my thoughts, moods, relationships, and daily mishaps. Keep in mind that therapy and medication is important; professional medical intervention might be necessary for some people. But my mind management doesn't stop at the door of a therapist's office; I need to continue to do the work by the hour of every day. I consider it my daily homework to make sure I'm doing everything I can; as I've said before, these tools are my armor that I wear to protect myself to the best of my abilities.
Adequate sleep
Easier said than done, but this is important for everyone. Quality sleep that cycles through every sleep stage is the period where our body "resets"; our digestive system, brain processing, cells, liver, kidneys, and more will take our resting time and "sort" through the physical experiences and toxins that we came in contact with throughout the day. This also the time when hormones regulate and the digestive system can get to work. In individuals with Bipolar Disorder, studies show that our sleep patterns can be different due to a dysregulated circadian rhythm. In simple terms, our sleep clocks are manipulated. Beyond lacking the ability to always secrete proper sleep chemicals, think about how you feel when you have a night of horrible sleep. You might be irritable, overwhelmed, and sensitive. Your body isn't properly rested and your neurotransmitters are not as equipped to handle outside stressors. Now apply that to someone with a mood disorder, where we all ready have difficulties managing emotions. Proper sleep is one of the foundations of regulating my mood, setting myself up for success, and giving my brain a chance to function at its best. I know that I need extra rest lately because I've been snoozing my alarm and feeling extra exhausted in the morning.
2. My morning alone time.
This one is more of a personal choice, and I discovered this preference through trial and error. I am an advocate for alone time; I think everyone benefits from practicing having alone time. In a society that encourages impatience, distraction, and technology overload, I value the time I can claim to myself. Early in the morning, when the sun is starting to illuminate the sky, I have no obligations. Nobody to answer to. Nowhere to be. I am alone with my thoughts, my journal, my coffee, and my cats. I can practice tuning in to my needs. I've spent most of my life trying to fill every moment with conversation or taking in information. Now I prioritize putting aside time to sit with myself, even when it feels uncomfortable. I know we tend to get caught up in having a morning routine... that's what all the happy people on Instagram seem to be doing, right? There are definitely reoccurring patterns to my mornings, but I don't think it's necessary to copy someone's details. For example, I used to think "everyone is meditating in the morning. Maybe I should try incorporating that...but I hate meditating." Or I saw people drinking apple cider vinegar in the morning so I tried it, but hated choking it down. My point is don't create a huge checklist of shit that suddenly feels like a chore. Don't force yourself to do things that bring dread. The point of the morning is to do something that brings you happiness and peace! It can be as simple as rubbing your shoulders and taking deep breaths while brewing coffee, or snuggling a pet, or setting up a fresh playlist to listen to on your drive to work. Don't over-complicate it, and make sure you genuinely enjoy these pockets of quiet.
3. Sobriety
This is the hard one. I was nervous about sharing the depths of this, but ever since I opened up to my loved ones, it's been hard to shut up about this journey. I shared that I would be taking a break from drinking because it was constantly trigging mania, and sometimes psychosis. But there were three issues: #1 I found that quitting wasn't so simple. #2 I was extremely negative towards the prospect of taking a break; I was cranky and complaining about it and painting it as a negative thing, or a punishment. #3 I knew it couldn't just be a "break", but I didn't want to accept that. After 70 days of sobriety, I found a community of people that feel the way I do. Suddenly the veil of shame, embarrassment, and guilt started falling away. Since then I've been leaning into this truth and embracing it. I think most people know that alcohol is damaging, and mixing it with mental illness or medication is a dangerous gamble. Living sober has been hard in some ways, but has brought me so much clarity. And being honest with myself has given me permission to accept this new path. I would love to write a piece on this, although I know it's a hot topic because alcohol is a focal point of our society.
4. Journaling & reflecting
I always have a journal. I need a place where I can dump all of my thoughts without fear of judgement. I know writing is not for everyone, but I encourage you to try free-flow writing on a blank piece of paper. See what comes out!
5. Feeling my emotions in a safe environment
With bipolar disorder, there is the risk of experiencing a mood episode; it could be mania or a depressive period or all kinds of things in between. But part of my healing has been teaching myself that I am a human with VALID feelings. I fall into the self-sabotage of "all of my emotions are extreme so I have to avoid them all." But that's not the case. If something is gnawing at me, I try to process it at home. Sometimes I get overwhelmed so I take a moment to breathe in my car. I have my phone by me to call Anthony if needed. I remind myself that while emotions are scary, I am in control and I don't have to act on my feelings. Nobody enjoys sitting with pain, but that pain will keep popping back up until we really acknowledge the deeper problems going on.
6. Honesty with myself and others.
This is the daily challenge that I've been neglecting my whole life; it was a focal point in therapy. I have always been a people-pleaser, and it started in my childhood. With the pain that surrounded my parental dynamic, I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy. This has carried into adulthood and every friendship I have. When someone is angry or upset with me, I take it on and carry it. I avoid any foreseeable conflict in any way I can, even if that means compromising my happiness. But throughout 2019 and up to this year, it was finally starting to effect my wellbeing. I was not setting boundaries with anyone; at the root of this issue, I realized I wasn't setting boundaries with MYSELF. I wasn't holding my promises, I wasn't looking objectively at my actions. I've never been authentically honest in the relationship I have with myself, so of course I was not speaking truthfully to anyone around me about my feelings. I'm not perfect and this is still a constant battle, but I am working on speaking up with my loved ones, even if my emotions or opinions or experiences have the potential to upset others. It feels like I'm re-learning how to interact authentically with others!
7. Movement and circulation.
I have a separate article coming out about circulation, and I already have a dedicated post on the power of walking. I am passionate about any form of exercise, and I'm currently dedicated to weight training. But implementing a simple walk or hike is imperative. I won't dive into the science here; just know that forward movement is not only beneficial physically, it also helps mentally. Blood is flowing through your body and waking up your body, but it's also circulating through your brain. That forward motion translates to our thoughts and we can get our stuck emotions moving, thoughts can freely present themselves, and we can encourage a creative mode. Walking is when I feel as if I'm processing and healing.
8. Eating non-inflammatory foods/focusing on protein and fat.
This might also warrant a separate article, but for now I've linked some studies below. I think this topic has been slightly misconstrued. Inflammation is the body's immune response to heal from sickness/injury. But long periods of inflammation can bring about many issues such as heart disease, obesity, joint problems, etc. In terms of my mood disorder, I mainly focus on limiting sugar, seed oils, and additives. While trying to manage inflammation for brain function and proper neurological pathways, I avoid these things to manage my blood sugar throughout the day. I'm already experiencing spikes and crashes in my emotions and energy levels, so integrating nutrition is a tool to set my body up for success and get ahead of neutralizing spikes. Fat is also crucial for me; there is a deep-dive coming that will cover the studies surrounding brain function and the micronutrients that come from eating healthy fats.
9. Tracing my behaviors
Through my sober journey, I've reflected on my choices that do not align with my beliefs and values. And beyond that, the daily struggle is getting whisked away by a thought. I can easily snowball down a hill of racing thoughts, which can result in a mania or panic attack. It can also result in a lowered ability to handle daily life stress; the result is lashing out, feeling overwhelmed, or engaging in abnormal activities. A recent mind management tool that helps me is holding onto this fact: A thought creates an emotion, and an emotion creates a behavior. While it's not always simple, I can trace my behaviors back to an emotion and then back to a seemingly innocent thought that sent me into a spiral.
10. Mindfulness
This is another topic that I feel has been misconstrued. I see it referenced with meditation often. To me, it is bringing myself back to the current moment. I have to do this countless times every day. When the thoughts try to pull me into the sky, I have to pull myself back in and truly focus on the moment I'm in, no matter how mundane it seems. It is holding space for whoever I'm communicating with. It is breathing deeply and utilizing all of my senses to come in to my surroundings. Mindfulness doesn't necessarily mean sitting still and closing my eyes; it means being here and "resetting" my thought patterns over and over until I feel fully present in my body.
11. Reading informative literature and using workbooks
I thrive off of learning and understanding. Having tangible resources gives me a sense of power. For most of my life I was running from my diagnosis, but now I want to know everything about it and how my brain functions. I have a dialectic workbook to track my moods, I listen to podcasts about mental illness and the effects of alcohol, I try to tailor my social media to only follow people that I trust, and I take notes in my books. Some people might get overwhelmed with so much information and that's okay. I personally find reassurance in more knowledge.
Closing Thoughts
I'm finding that the content I want to share is going to shift. I have a handful of passions: cooking, nutrition, fitness, mental health. My content has felt disjointed to me because I haven't been able to find a way to tie it all together. But this month I dove deep in terms of what I want to share with the world. What do I think will actually help? What can I do with all of this passion and information? What sets me apart?
I realize it all comes down to Simplicity and Recovery. Simplicity means that we need to stop complicating health. The health/wellness industry capitalizes off of people's insecurities and fears. And beyond that, the healthcare system in the U.S. is not affordable or accessible to everyone. If our healthcare system needs to change, then why does the wellness industry think most people can afford protein powders, Pilates, personal trainers, Greens powders, water purifiers, detoxes, meal delivery services...do you see what I mean? To me, it's all gotten so convoluted that people don't want to even try. So bringing it back to basics is important to me: cooking at home (which I struggled to do recently, after a recent vacation), exercising in a way that brings happiness, and dissecting our day-to-day mental self-sabotage. With the other theme of "recovery", I use this word to encompass subjects beyond addiction: recovering after an intense workout, regrouping after a stressful day, utilizing simple nutrition and rest to take care of our physical and emotional states. I don't think we need to add MORE; we need to slow down and bring intention into our actions to optimize health. Health, depending on the capacity that you view it in, should be attainable to everyone.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to sharing holiday recipes, herb science, and how to handle the transition into cold weather. Have a lovely week, and I am proud of you for taking on another day.
Links & Resources
Nutrition and mood disorders: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14737175.2021.1881482
Substance self-medication and mood disorders:
Alcohol's link to increased depression symptoms through neuroinflammation:
*all pictures used are my own.
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