Guilt, I've come to realize, affects most people in some way. We feel guilty for not meeting others' expectations, for desires we're ashamed of, for "not being good enough," for "not doing enough," for experiencing a blessing when we "don't deserve it," when certain triggering events occur that might be out of our control, and so many more deep-rooted insecurities.
I opened up this topic in my "Guilty as Charged" piece and many people reached out with the reassurance that they struggle with this as well. My guilt issue has been a very massive and interesting discovery for me in my constant quest for self-awareness and self-actualization. I don't want to live with this continuous fear of hurting people, offending others, disappointment, and failure.
So now that I know I have development to do, how do I do it? We all talk about self love, learning to let go, etc...but how do we actually accomplish what needs to be done? In other words, how do we tackle our "emotional goals"? I find this difficult because it's not always tangible; for example, I might have a physical goal of earning an A in a class, and I can see the result of that goal. Emotional goals are not always so obvious when progress is made, and it can be incredibly challenging to hold yourself accountable for the effort. After all, nobody else can see what you're doing in your head to heal, to shed hypothetical baggage, and transform yourself from the inside out.
I have finished the fall semester of college and plan on using my break to do just that: take care of my mental state and check in with myself. I am also now back on medication to monitor my manic depression/bipolar I. So I'd like to share the actual tips and steps that I've been following in order to combat the toxic guilt thoughts.
1. Understanding that I'm trying change habits. Someone close to me used to say "Your first thought is instinct. Your second thought is within your control." I find this true now in life. For example, when someone snaps at me, my initial thoughts flood in as "oh no, they hate me. I did something really bad. I fucked up. I hurt them." But lately I've been doing my best to catch that train of thought before it runs off. I reassure myself that I have no idea what the other person is going through; they might be having a really stressful day, or going through something horrible in life. Their reactions and choices have nothing to do with me.
2. Voicing my opinion without blowing up. As I've talked about before, I have a huge issue involving speaking my mind; any opinion or emotion feels like an inconvenience to other people and I don't like to "rock the boat." But this has put me in some extremely uncomfortable situations before. And I want to share my thoughts or feelings in a calm, approachable manor. Emotions tend to overwhelm us and make us think the situation is worse than it is. Usually the situation is not that serious; it can be as easy as saying "hey, I'd rather not stay out this late because I work in the morning. Is that cool with everyone?" or "hey, what you said hurt my feelings. I don't think you were intentional with it, but just wanted to let you know for future reference." I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to speak my mind.
3. How other people react is NOT my responsibility. Maybe I did hurt someone's feelings or anger them, and I can take responsibility for my mistakes. But I am trying to focus on understanding that the other person may not forgive me for awhile, or they might lash out and I cannot control that; I just need to work on acceptance.
4. There is only so much I can do. This one is really hard for me to accept and embrace. Sometimes in the moment, I'm pushing myself to unhealthy limits in order to achieve as much as possible in a day. But sometimes I can do everything right, I can get things done on time, but it just won't "be enough." The reality is that there will always be something that needs to be completed and somebody that needs an answer or somebody that needs help. Lately, when I feel the early signs of anxiety or a manic episode stemming from this frantic state, I take deep breaths and try to sit down. I stretch all my limbs to get some blood flow as I take the deep breaths. And I say in my head: "You are just one person. You've done as much as you possibly can. You have permission to be proud of yourself. You have permission to stop."
5. They forgave you, so forgive yourself. Do you have a situation that was resolved but you still beat yourself up over? Work on the personal forgiveness. You are allowed to let it go and move on.
6. Write it out. Writing is not everybody's favorite thing, but it can be so helpful to just dump all your thoughts and emotions on paper. It doesn't have to be organized; sometimes I just write a bullet list.
There is so much that I'd like to accomplish physically in this new year that involve fitness, finances, school, work, and wedding planning. But there's also this mental side that is incredibly important to me. I have a lot of new content coming up from all sides, because I want to be open with you all on how we can achieve the resolutions that we've decided on. It can feel a little daunting having an entire fresh year to look ahead to. But if we plan, set out some intentional focus, and stay honest with ourselves, I believe that we are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
I hope 2020 is healthy, happy, and successful for you. You are in charge, and you are strong. We can do this.
Thank you for reading; more is coming soon! Happy New Year to you.
*picture is my own