Change

Change. What emotion does that word bring to the surface for you? For me, it's always been fear.

When life is good, I am so afraid for any change because I like what's happening; why would I want the good times to go away? Being comfortable is safe and content.

But over the last two-three months, I've been calling myself out. I've spent years establishing a new life and getting my dreams in order. And I thought I was happy. I mean, everything was good, right?

But "good" is a dangerous word. I wondered, "Shouldn't things be GREAT? Shouldn't I be more than okay and content; shouldn't I be happy?"

I opened that can of worms and suddenly everything was exposed. I know that one of my biggest flaws is suffocating my true emotions due to being afraid to feel them, as well as not wanting to hurt or offend others.

But the emotions were cracked open and spilling out. I watched them pool around me in the harsh light of day. It was like looking in the mirror and realizing that I had been attempting to hide from the one person that I simply can't hide from: me.

I made a list of my goals, ambitions, and wildest dreams. Then I made a list of everything I'm doing to achieve those dreams. I asked myself the big, scary question: "Which of these things am I doing for me? And which of these things am I doing to make other people happy?"

So many points on the list were for others.

So many points on the list were following the guidelines of what society has put in my head that I should be doing.

I panicked.

I couldn't sleep or eat properly for weeks after. I lost five pounds that I quite frankly can't afford to lose. I tried to avoid these horrifying thoughts, but they were real and prominent and demanded attention.

I knew there were changes I had to make, but I knew they would shake up the entire course of my future. I knew they would hurt people. I knew not a lot of people would understand where I was coming from.

But do I want to end up on my death bed one day and look back, realizing that I lived an entire life based on societal structure and the expectations around me?

I was standing on a cliff, looking into an abyss where I could not see the bottom. "Why am I thinking about leaping when I'm safe here? When I'm comfortable here? When things are okay here?"

But I knew I couldn't stay in this box simply because of the illusion of a safety net.

So I took a deep breath.

I jumped.

And since then, I've been free-falling. It's absolutely fucking terrifying. And it's liberating.

I don't know what's coming at the bottom. It could be immeasurable pain. It could be unfathomable joy. Or maybe I'll never stop falling.

But for the first time, I'm trying to be okay with the unknown. I'm trying to trust that my instinct will never steer me wrong.

I know this is a pretty vague explanation; I don't feel the need to go into detail because this is part of the challenge: I don't want to put pressure on myself to make the world understand me and my choices. I want to practice making these choices for Cassie. Who knows if they're the right choices? Nobody. But I know that it feels right in my gut, and I know that I can't go on living in comfort when there are endless possibilities for me to explore.

So if you're in this place, if you're going along with something because you're afraid, I want you to know that it's never too late to make that leap. It's never to late to change. It's never too late to start making choices for you; and it's NOT selfish.

Even if nobody understands. Even if there's judgment. Even if it ends up being a mistake later.

Just jump.

It's better to have an "oops" than a "what if?"

-Cassie

picture credit: instagram account @the.healthcode