In my friend group, I have the nickname "weenie." There's no reason to be offended because I'm the one that used this word to summarize the way I interact with the public. Other variations could include "doormat" or "spineless." In other words, confrontation is one of my most prominent fears and I find life much easier when I simply give in to what others want from me.
That way of living worked out for a long time; I drifted along every day, going with the flow and never having to argue with my friends and family.
The most frequently used word in my vocabulary is "sorry." The word became my safety blanket over the years. I would apologize to strangers at stores even if they were the ones shoving through the crowd; I apologized to friends when they were annoyed even if I didn't agree with what they were saying; I apologized for the mess in my apartment whether it was mine or not; I apologized to customer service workers if I had to ask for any small change to a meal or needed extra help; I even started apologizing on the behalf of friends or family if they offended somebody else.
"Sorry" seemed to be the magic word that fixed anything and anyone. No conflict could arise if I took responsibility for the issue. I could wrap up the problem in a tidy little box by using that word and tuck it away. I could feel the people around me adjusting to my constant need to pacify, and they began to take advantage without even realizing it.
About a year ago, I began to notice something peculiar: I had an extremely short fuse. I consider myself to be a fairly mild-mannered person, yet I was constantly enraged over the smallest problems. However, I continued to keep the rage inside. The apologies continued to roll off my tongue, until one day I realized that I felt like an inconvenience to everyone in my life. Anything I did was inconvenient. Any hurt feelings or sadness or anger or requests were all inconvenient. Now I was trying to fold myself into that box of issues. I felt like a pressure cooker that was constantly simmering and ready to hit the roof.
I knew changes needed to be made when I started crying out of pure frustration almost every day. There comes a time where you have to be brutally honest with yourself, and this was one of those times. The light bulb really went off when I found myself crying in my bathroom out of pure terror because I was annoyed with one of my roommates and needed to talk to her about the problem. It could have been a simple situation, but I tried to bury it inside until it grew into an unnecessary rage over time. And there I was, absolutely petrified at the thought of simply expressing my feelings to one of my best friends!
If anybody out there can relate, please understand that ignoring or hiding your feelings is so unhealthy and completely shatters your inner peace. Every human on this planet has a different and complex combination of emotions, opinions and personalities. People are going to argue and that is normal. This sounds so simple, but I have to remind myself of this every day. The world will not implode if two people disagree. The sun will not stop shining if I tell somebody that he or she hurt my feelings.
Whenever I find that horrid S word slipping past my lips, I try to ask myself "What is my reason for saying sorry?" If I truly hurt somebody or anger a friend, I believe in the traditional face-to-face apology that comes from the heart. It needs to be sincere. It needs to state "I will not do this again to you." Or if you're really struggling like myself to drop this habit, try, "I'm sorry what I did or said made you feel that way, but it was not my intention." Otherwise, the word becomes meaningless while simultaneously making you smaller and smaller. Practice standing tall and confident. Speak kindly yet firmly. The people around you might fight back at first because they're not used to these responses from you, but remember that you are NOT being rude. If you're having a particularly anxious day, put on "Sorry" by Beyonce and scream the words in your room. Attaining that level of confidence is no easy walk in the park, but a small reminder every day will build toward a better state of mind.
I'm done apologizing for who I am or what I feel. And I think you should be too. In the words of Bey herself, "I ain't sorry."
-c.j.d.